There are 50 pithy ways to start any piece complaining about the rise of Modern Football, but fortunately Manchester City partners Etisalat have (perhaps unintentionally) given us a 60-second primer:
— Etisalat UAE (@etisalat) April 15, 2018
Now that you’ve gotten the dry heaves out of your system, let’s break down everything wrong with this clip, which was uploaded to celebrate the end of the club’s four-month lap of honour to claim the 2017-18 Premier League title.
00:00 A sunny day in England, which I am reliably informed does not usually happen.
00:04 Fans in every corner of the stadium waving gigantic flags, straight out of PES. In fact they probably did get these models from a computer game. Don’t they give banning orders for this sort of thing?
00:08 Do we really expect that some soulless ginger kid in the nosebleed section is going to rise above the din of a title celebration to become the club’s international capo?
00:11 Well, shit, I guess we do.
00:16 The players, clearly afraid some enthusiastic hooligans are going to start cracking flares, retreat into the tunnel.
0:21 I’m pretty sure Taunton Town couldn’t organise such a boisterously calm stadium exit, never mind City.
0:23 Poor bartender, having to clean up all that confetti.
0:29 I’m pretty sure England doesn’t have any happy cab drivers, either.
0:31 The ginger kid is back, and now he’s got a megaphone. Pretty soon he’ll be leading ACAB chants in some blue smog-cloaked public square before a Europa League playoff.
0:33 Because we still need more international representation, behold the latest UAE fashion trend: trucker caps and kanduras.
0:36 I didn’t know Action Bronson was a City supporter.
0:44 Guy in the back doesn’t even shout ‘hooray’. What a plastic, am I right?
0:48 Look at how diverse our fandom is! Are you watching, Asia? …Anyone? …Bueller?
0:50 Where is Pep in this fake title celebration? Imagine the death stare he gave to whoever drew the short straw and asked him to participate.
This was not a spur-of-the-moment production, along the lines of the ‘I’m going to Disneyland’ commercial produced after every Super Bowl. This required proposals, meetings, hiring film crews, dressing sets, casting extras, renting a recording studio, putting the players in front of a green screen for a couple minutes, the works.
All for one of the most inauthentic celebration videos we’ll ever see, at least until Pep does it again next year.
Featured image credit: Etisalat UAE