There are 50 pithy ways to start any piece complaining about the rise of Modern Football, but fortunately Manchester City partners Etisalat have (perhaps unintentionally) given us a 60-second primer:

Now that you’ve gotten the dry heaves out of your system, let’s break down everything wrong with this clip, which was uploaded to celebrate the end of the club’s four-month lap of honour to claim the 2017-18 Premier League title.

00:00 A sunny day in England, which I am reliably informed does not usually happen.

00:04 Fans in every corner of the stadium waving gigantic flags, straight out of PES. In fact they probably did get these models from a computer game. Don’t they give banning orders for this sort of thing?

00:08 Do we really expect that some soulless ginger kid in the nosebleed section is going to rise above the din of a title celebration to become the club’s international capo?

00:11 Well, shit, I guess we do.

00:16 The players, clearly afraid some enthusiastic hooligans are going to start cracking flares, retreat into the tunnel.

0:21 I’m pretty sure Taunton Town couldn’t organise such a boisterously calm stadium exit, never mind City.

0:23 Poor bartender, having to clean up all that confetti.

0:29 I’m pretty sure England doesn’t have any happy cab drivers, either.

0:31 The ginger kid is back, and now he’s got a megaphone. Pretty soon he’ll be leading ACAB chants in some blue smog-cloaked public square before a Europa League playoff.

0:33 Because we still need more international representation, behold the latest UAE fashion trend: trucker caps and kanduras.

0:36 I didn’t know Action Bronson was a City supporter.

0:44 Guy in the back doesn’t even shout ‘hooray’. What a plastic, am I right?

0:48 Look at how diverse our fandom is! Are you watching, Asia? …Anyone? …Bueller?

0:50 Where is Pep in this fake title celebration? Imagine the death stare he gave to whoever drew the short straw and asked him to participate.

This was not a spur-of-the-moment production, along the lines of the ‘I’m going to Disneyland’ commercial produced after every Super Bowl. This required proposals, meetings, hiring film crews, dressing sets, casting extras, renting a recording studio, putting the players in front of a green screen for a couple minutes, the works.

All for one of the most inauthentic celebration videos we’ll ever see, at least until Pep does it again next year.

Featured image credit: Etisalat UAE