England’s World Cup Jukebox

You’re pumped. You’ve got your mates round. Nibbles are out. Three England Limited edition promotional packs of Carlsberg emptied into the fridge (pitcher optional). St. George’s cross plastic bowler hat. Check. ’06 white Lampard shirt. Check. White Lonsdale slip-ons. Check. British summer time redness to your arms/shins. Check. Only one thing left to get this World Cup party going. Tunes. England tunes. Here’s your guide:

442 – Come on England

Always start with this. Technically not a World Cup tune as it was released for Euro 2004, but the intro alone is enough to force it into your World Cup Party Bangers list. In fact, just play the intro and skip to the next song. It’s literally the commentary to Becks’ glorious free kick against Greece, with a slow-build England chant in the background eventually reaching the pace of young Raheem on the flank. It then goes full Mumford and overlays ‘Come On Eileen’ with banjos and the word ‘England’.

Baddiel, Skinner & The Lightning Seeds – Three Lions

Wild card Andy Carroll bundles over the line in the 90th minute against Panama to put us 1-0 up. You look to your right, Carlsberg sloshing around the room. Sheer euphoria. You then glance to your left. Your pal Jason giving the grin and nod back. Arms around each other. You start quietly as Andy Carroll’s late toe prod replays on screen. It’s coming home, it’s coming home, it’s coming… Football’s coming home. Funnily enough, this will also be the soundtrack to the inevitable moment a week later when we are sent home and your face paint is ruined by the tears.

Shout For England feat. Dizzee Rascal & James Corden – Shout

The WORST England song in the history of England songs. Do not play this. I’ve warned you. Utter shit. I have nothing more to say.

Fat Les – Vindaloo

How can you not get involved? Hell breaks loose. Steve’s on the table. Lisa’s upstairs throwing up. Gav, Linda, and Jez (Jez is topless, “NUFC” tattooed on his chest, fine gold chain around the neck) jumping up and down in the living room. WE WILL SCORE ONE MORE THAN YOU, NA NA NA. Your throats sore. You don’t care. You’ll keep this going for 20 minutes cos’ we’ve got Harry Kane and we’ll score one more than you.

New Order feat. John Barnes – World in Motion

My favourite. This is best played pre-party. You’ve hopped in your Vauxhall Corsa. England flags clipped to the rear windows. Beeping your horn at any passing person donning the White and Red. You’re off to Morrisons to grab your party gear. New Order cranked up to the 99. You know John Barnes’ rap word for word. You pulled up at the supermarket well before the rap, but sit in the car for the remainder of the rap to avoid showing Barnesy any disrespect.

1970 England World Cup Squad – Back Home

“We won the war and we’ll win the World Cup”, as yer da passes you another warm Carling.

Honourable mentions

Grandad Roberts & His Son Elvis – Meat Pie, Sausage Roll

Ant & Dec – We’re on The Ball

The Farm – All Together Now

Bell & Spurling – Sven Sven Sven

Stick to these and you’ll have a belter. Don’t play ‘Shout for England’. You’ll curse us for another 50 years.

By Arley Byrne.

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