Why this kit is bad:

While some World Cup kits are hideous in their chaotic designs or complete disrespect towards colour palettes, the England 2006 home kit offends for other reasons. Bland. Slumberous. Quiet. It’s the Fiat Punto of football kits. This kit tells you to turn down the music, chug a glass of water, and catch that last bus home.

It doesn’t stop there. The font looks like a font that supports West Bromwich and lives with its parents at the age of 47. Especially Frank Lampard’s number eight jersey. Unfortunately, FIFA demands that the player numbers are printed on the chest of the jersey as well as the back. So you have to endure it twice.

 

Best moment:

My stand out moment is, without a shadow of a doubt, when Wayne Rooney decided to stamp Ricardo Carvalho right in the bolinhos de bacalhau. Just like a bull being angered by red flags, the 21 year-young Englishman got sick and tired of all the awful England kits around him and got himself sent off. I don’t blame him.

 

This kit reminds me of…

That weird and misplaced St George’s cross on the right shoulder looks like an open wound. Almost like an accolade that’s gone horribly wrong. Instead of gently resting the knighting blade on the shoulder, the Queen struck with the force of a Wayne Rooney left foot aiming for Portuguese groin. ‘’How dare you showcase my Kingdom in this godforbiddenly awful kit?!’’

 

Rating out of 10:

A kit this bland can’t possibly earn anything more than a 3/10. Umbro isn’t a kit manufacturer that I’m overly passionate and fond for. Kits like these prove why.

 

How much would you need to pay me to wear it?

A proper million dollar question, this one. So I’d go for something in that price range.